True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We just shotgunned beers for America
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
