Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
