I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The Olympian is in my bed
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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