cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize