I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize