Swine flu. Run for my life!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
