moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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