I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
