She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I came so hard my ears popped.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
