I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
