and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
