so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
