dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
