So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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