Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize