Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
