Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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