Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
