Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize