Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
