Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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