this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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