I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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