shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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