Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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