At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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