seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
