at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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