I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He? As in you personified your dick?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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