Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
