I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
