those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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