It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
