She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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