Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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