My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
