My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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