i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
