somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
