she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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