the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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