Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
