No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
