you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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