Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
