My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
