I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
