Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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