I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
