It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
