Betty ford says i'm here all night
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
