sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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