Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
