Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
