my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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