I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
