I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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