Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
