went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
it's like heaven, but drunker
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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